Where to Begin

Normally I would begin at the beginning.

But just where is the beginning when you are talking about your mental health journey? When symptoms first manifested? When the causes first occurred, back into history as genetics may have an impact?

I think for the sake of clarity I will start now and work my way back to the really crappy stuff.

Oh, yes a word of warning, this blog is about my journey. Everyone's journey is different. Some of what I discuss may trigger your issues, and I apologise, but I have left so much unsaid for fear of being laughed at, lied to, denied and abused, that I'm not going to hold it back. If you trigger, please check the tags before you read, then you'll be pre-warned, but do not let your fears put you off reading. I really want to share to help both myself and others understand what it really means to have poor mental health.

So back to the beginning. Well of this blog anyway.

I recently needed to obtain medical evidence for court. So I asked my GP for a short form report, just the basics, a chronology if you like. She wanted to have a conversation with me to discuss what needed to go in the report. Just mental health stuff really, just a potted history of my depression etc. OK, says she, looking down the list that is on the computer in front of her.

I've not been with this GP for long. She seems nice, and as sympathetic as the 5 minute appointments will allow her to be. But I digress.

OK she says, behavioural issues 1978. Yep, I know about those, very unhappy childhood, bullying at school, yep. Suicide attempt, 1978. Again, yes, well aware. Suicide attempt 1988 and 18 months of psychological therapy. Yes, that's good, that's what I remember. 1993, another suicide attempt, referred to mental health team. Self harm, crisis, depression. Personality disorder.

What?

Personality disorder.

I'm sorry, what did you say?

It states in a letter from your then consultant that you have an underlying personality disorder.

I'm now utterly distraught, in shock and wondering how I could have been diagnosed 24 years ago with a personality disorder and no-one has mentioned it since. No one has offered me appropriate help and support and I've had multiple episodes of self harm, suicidal behaviour and deep intractable depressions in the intervening years. I moved to Sheffield shortly after and was registered with the same GP for 14 years, during which time I suffered numerous episodes of depression, self harm and suicidal behaviours which left me isolated, vulnerable and effectively unsupported.

Not a dicky bird. Chucked Prozac and Mirtazapine at me a few times. Didn't offer me counselling, therapy, support, a clue as to what was going on. Nothing. Even sent me home with nothing when I came into the surgery begging for help. Went back a few weeks later with someone to support me and the GP admitted that she decided I was suicidal and she was worried I'd use any medication offered to commit suicide, so didn't offer me anything, but also didn't refer me for anything either. She gave me a sick note. That helped a lot, thanks. It said 'low mood' on it.

This was a pattern at that surgery. I'm in crisis, repeatedly. Chuck some meds at me, write me a sick note for 'low mood' and send me on my way. Pretty much every time. That was until 2009, when they got some extra money for providing 'holistic services'. They employed a guy who had done a 12 week training course on CBT. The guy (who I believe was a nurse, though not a mental health nurse) had no experience of dealing with complex mental health issues. He did 3 sessions with me, tore me open to have a look inside then kicked me off his service as 'too complex' for CBT and left me drifting, in crisis yet again. GP referred me to a 'specialist' unit, and after a 6 month wait, was offered CBT again. The CPN who worked with me was more experienced and better qualified, but didn't have access to my full medical records, so although she helped with the immediate crisis, again, I got no help with the underlying issues.

So here I am, again in crisis, again waiting to see if the referral I have is actually going to put me in the right place for real, long term help, and again feeling lost, isolated, vulnerable and suicidal.

I don't want to die, but I also don't want to keep living on this merry-go-round of needing help, not getting it, needing help, not getting the right help, needing help, getting inappropriate help, needing help, getting medicated but no support, needing help, getting lied to, needing help, being misdiagnosed, needing help, getting my condition played down, needing help and getting sent away with nothing.

Mental Health services are in crisis. People are dying, every day, without real, person centred treatment. One size does not fit all. CBT is not fit for purpose as a 'cure all' for every patient that comes through the doors needing help. Yes, long term treatment is expensive, time consuming, and there just aren't enough practitioners, but  have met so many people over the years who have achieved without support. By the way, this also includes me. Imagine the contribution I and all the others could be making to this wonderful, fucked up, beautiful mess of a world if we'd had real, consistent treatment in the first place?