I'm in mourning for the person that I thought I could become, if I could just get myself together for long enough to get a decent job, stay stable, save some money and have holidays, new car, resources, someone to love forever who would love me unconditionally.
That person will never come to be. My opportunity to be that person was taken away from me by my illness, by my complex mental ill health. It was also taken away from me by the people who were supposed to be caring for my health who decided that I didn't need to know about my diagnosis. The ones who followed on who failed to offer me real long term treatment for my diagnosis, but instead threw proverbial sticking plasters at me and were disappointed when I showed up again six months later, a year later, even 2 years later, still ill, still struggling.
I got angry with myself for not getting better. For just not trying hard enough to get better. And in those angry states I blamed myself for failing, I blamed myself for being ill. I blamed myself for just not trying hard enough.
During that time my physical health was also declining. But whenever I sought help for that I was treated as if I was a hypochondriac, I was making symptoms up. There wasn't a lump there, there wasn't pain from that, you are just drug seeking, attention seeking, you don't get pain there, its all in your head.
I'm not stupid. In fact I'm really quite bright. And that somehow, makes it all worse, because the curse of being very bright is self awareness.
I can see and hear myself when I'm having a meltdown. I look and sound ridiculous. I look and sound like a child having a tantrum. I berate myself for getting anxious, crying, being angry at the wrong person, being for all intents and purposes a total fucking basket case.
I hate living like this. But no matter how much I try to be like other people I just can't do it. My brain doesn't work that way. I'm fighting childhood abuse, school bullying, PTSD, chemical and structural changes and differences in my brain that cannot be corrected no matter what medication you throw at me. Yes, there are very real structural changes in the brains of people with mental illness. Look them up on Google. There's pictures too. They are pretty, and horrifying all at the same time.
I'm difficult. I'm fragile. I have a sense of humour, even on my most lost days. I'm surprisingly resilient, because I really, really want my bloody life back. I'm cynical, because I know even if I get offered the help I need I'm still at the mercy of it being whipped away because 'someone else has a greater need'. Because mental health services are rationed, and portioned out just enough to have you appear OK, dressed, washed, house clean, and 'Oh fantastic, you have a job!' Out the door you go.
Because mentally ill people are still treated as if they have caused this to happen to themselves with drugs, alcohol, sexual promiscuity, being female, living with domestic violence, running away from home, suicide attempts, self harm, disclosing sexual abuse, not believing in God, believing in God and asking for help and then rejecting that help when it doesn't help. When in fact these are symptoms and not causes.
As an example, a man goes to the doctor with a persistent cough. Turns out this life long smoker has lung cancer. He's put on a list for treatment. Gets seen within 2 weeks. Has all the most appropriate treatment, until his cancer is cured, or until he dies, but all with lots of care, lots of patience, and loads of support.
No one suggests that his smoking is the reason he is ill and therefore he did it to himself and the treatment will only be offered to those who never smoked or who quit more than 10 years ago.
No one says, 'Sorry, there are people much worse off than you, who will get the treatment instead'.
No one would even consider saying, 'well even though you still have cancer, we think you look well now, so off you pop, your treatment is done. See how you get on.'
So why is it acceptable to say this to someone who is bipolar, schizophrenic, has a personality disorder, PTSD, OCD, or chronic clinical depression and anxiety? These are life long conditions. They are also, if left untreated, life limiting conditions. In many ways they are terminal illnesses, as the incidence of suicide is so high amongst people diagnosed with these illnesses that it is seen as an inevitable outcome.
So why cannot people with mental illness be treated in exactly the same way, with the same expectations, and the same dignity as people with physical illnesses?
Why are you embarrassed about my mental ill health? I'm the one who lives with it day in and day out. No you. You get to walk away when it gets hard, messy, inconvenient, painful and upsetting. I don't.
So suck it up buttercup, I'm not going to be quiet about it anymore. I am who I am, I'm bloody angry that my life has been blighted and I have been blamed for what was done to me to cause my ill health, and I am damned sure I'm not having poor quality treatment because you are a judgemental ignorant idiot who insists on remaining ignorant, because everything else is effort. You have no idea what effort is until you have had to spend half a day fighting your own brain just to get out of bed for a piss.
Sam, I can always trust you to say what it is like to live with mental illness and such like . There are crossovers here that I struggle with too .
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